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Nov. 3rd, 2005 @ 02:44 pm
beaudoux
I am just really struggling lately.

Its hard because I dont even know where to start. It's hard for someone to truly understand what I am going through because it's not as easy to get out of it as I want it to be. i dont 100% want to get out of my relationship.. which is what is troubling me right now.

My boyfriend is an alcoholic with numerous other issues that I have been brought in the middle of. The complete and honest truth is that I do love him. When he is not under the influence of anything .. (I am okay with pot) he is a completly wonderful loving boyfriend. He would never hurt me physically, emotionally it is a different story.. the only thing is that it's got to be impossible for him to really know what he does to me when he makes these choices... I am pretty sure he thinks it is just a control issue with me, but he scares me when he's under the influence of anything. I can't look him in the eye like I normally can, I cant even get myself to touch him. It's a horrible scary feeling and I just dont even know what the hell to do with myself. I can't get away from him because we live together. its not all the time, sometimes he goes a few months with out doing anything except smoking pot, but he breaks down and you can feel it .. or I can feel when it's coming close. He gets really depressed and .. I dont know. We have a very strong Spiritual Connection I think, which kind of makes me realize the differences in his moods and behaviors when they wouldn't be known so well to another person.

I am trying to realize that he's got issues that I accepted before I became his significant other. hard for some people to realize that he's not a bad person, he's just full of issues. I guess I didn't know what I was getting myself in to before I chose to be with him. I thought, "Hey..it couldn't be that hard could it?" but it's proving otherwise.

I constantly sit here at work and worry about him. Whether he is going to give in and find an excuse to drink... or a way to justify getting high on anything, if it were pills, or even ... robitussin.. or nyquil. His mom is an addict too... more so than him I suppose. She's addicted to pills.. and often goes to get the shot you get when you have extreme migranes? I dont know what it is called. But it's just really hard and annoying to me. and I can't exactly tell if it's just me not being able to stand it because I am selfish or if I am actually worried about his health? I dont know. It's just this horrible scared feeling that I get in my stomach if he's been doing something "wrong" in my eyes. And I wish I could hold my feelings in.. because it just enrages me to the farthest degree.

Now I dont exactly know HOW to express that I do love him.. despite his problems we are a very loving couple. I know that's fully hard for someone on the outside to see but we are very very very close. We spend all the time in the world together besides when I am at work.. but I just don't know how to stop worrying about him. I know that this is probably going to get to the point where I am going to have to leave him, and I know others would love to see me leave him, but I can't yet. I just am not ready to do that. .. i just don't know how to make myself calm down. I can't stand worrying and I dont like not being able to trust him.

I am just so tired of his bullshit. SO tired.

blah. thanks for letting me rant. I am tired. tired tired.

if you comment back to me, please don't say "Break up with him " or anything because that's not going to help me. I need to come to terms with myself here and if I ever am ready to do that, I probably will. But right now, I am not strong enough to do that.

so positive words please.
thank you so much.

Heartbroken Aug. 20th, 2005 @ 03:14 pm
denimpetal
I need direct honest comments on this.. i know i can't get advice, cos love is something nobody can advise on.
I have an internet pen-pal, his name is Will. For my 18th birthday my mum sent me to see him for 2 weeks. He'd been telling me for years that he wanted to grow old with me and he loved me so much. fair enough my two weeks there were heavenly.
The only thing that bugged me is that he introduced me to his fuck buddy. Even after he knew i had a problem with her he continued having long enjoyable conversations with her whilst i was still in the room. I went mad at him. I wish I'd just let him do what he wanted. After all, we did have an agreement.
But after i flipped out, he began taking walks for an hour or so every night, leaving me alone..
It's my fault I know, but now i'm home and I keep waking up at about 2a.m, reaching out for him, hitting air and not being able to fall asleep again.
And I don't know what to do, all i wanna do is free myself of this terrible pain.
*abi* xxx
Current Mood: crushedcrushed
Current Music: James Blunt- You're Beautiful

The Tweet Tweet Girls Aug. 8th, 2005 @ 04:05 am
denimpetal
I haven't updated on here for AGES, but i got a lot I need to get out of my head... I wanted to go somwehere I wouldn't b judged.
I don't know where to begin cos this seems like such a petty problem.... o.k, i will take my time... oh god. Where to start??????? I need to go smoke another fag....
I'm here in Lousianna. To, for the first time, meet the love of my life. I know that sounds crazy but the second he picked me up at the airport... I felt it, and he's loved me for a long time.
I think it took guts for me, someone who a week ago had never even been in an airport, to travel across the atlantic on my own just to see him.
for the first few days I was so high, i was having the best time ever. I noticed that she... i can't even begin to type her name, called him incessantly. i didn't know untill 5 minutes before i met her that she was my "stand in" for when I'm not here. He said "when you're here you're all i want" As if I live two hours away, not 16. I put it past me, tried and tried to forget, and genuinely had a happy day today. Then before we settle down for bed HE CALLS HER!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! I'm sorry but, is that acceptable. I am lying on his bed, 100% in love with him and he calls up his fuck buddy and has a good old laugh over the phone to her.
I flipped, took all the sedatives i brought with me so that i wouldn't cut myself to pieces, only because i left my insurance policy at home and can't aford the stiches. it means I'm fucked for the rest of the week for medication... so i don't know what i'm going to do.
she even haas her own ring tone on his phone, he said it's not just her, so i asked who else got that ringtone.. i got a whole list of the girls i kno he's fucked.
Is this why he loves long distance relationships????
Am i wrong to feel this bad/ am i being a hippocrite?
What will i do the next time his phone goes tweet tweet... and the tweet tweet girls call. i don't care about any of the others, but HER, she calls all the fucking time. All the live long day, leaves him messages tos of them.
he doesn't even understand why i'm upset...
Current Mood: pissed offpissed off

Hello... Aug. 5th, 2005 @ 03:53 am
gnotobiotically
I just joined (obviously)...
I am Jeanie...
and I have deep emotions that are due to my past relationship.
I feel the need to talk to somebody about it, but I'm not comfortable letting anyone that deep inside my mind where I keep my thoughts and emotions. (At least, not after being hurt by my ex)...

Anyway, umm...

I really don't know what to write now... I had my post all planned, but as soon as I started thinking about him again, my mind tends to lose all focus and it begins dwelling on things of a not so cheerful nature.


I do have a problem though...
It takes place when I get extremely emotional (depressed, sad, angry)...
I can't speak... I can't express myself at all! I'll be thinking exactly what I want someone to know, and my voice seems to get locked away somewhere... my mouth seals shut.

I thought I had conquered this problem because at the beginning of this past relationship, I could say anything I pleased. Wil (he's my ex) would ask me a serious question and eventually (slowly but surely) the words would find their way out of my head through my mouth.
I would sometimes get depressed and feel worthless, but Wil could manage to get me to speak... I don't know how... But I think it was due to the fact that I loved him so much that I knew I could say whatever I needed to, and he would be there for me.

But things changed, and did they change fast!
Within 2 months, I began questioning my love for Wil. the fact of the matter was that he was always SO busy...
Busy with school, busy with work, busy tutoring, busy watching TV to relax (I never understood this one as the Television always tends to make me more tense than I already am)... I mean... He used to devote the evenings to me... it was the free time we got to spend together... then he started watching TV instead of talking with me... I'd be lying in the bed next to him and some nights I would just be dying inside wishing I could kill that cursed television... He'd be watching it... and I hated it.. this was MY time. But I couldn't tell him that...
Our sex life began to suffer about the same time. He was on medication that made it tough for him to be in the "mood" very often, but at one point he seemed to become completely asexual... and I didn't know what to do... I need that part of a relationship. My sex-drive is insanely high, and I need sexual attention to make me feel desired and loved (at least a little sexual attention)...
He no longer got excited when I'd light candles and do something truly seductive... or even when I'd hop into the shower with him unexpectedly...

He said he still loved me, but he didn't show it and I sure as hell didn't feel his love anymore...


I'm sorry for ranting, but I don't know what else I can do... I'm not done with my post... but i'll have to end it now for the night because the sun us rising and I need at least some sleep before my day begins...

*sigh*

Thanks for listening...
Current Mood: frustratedfrustrated

the e-mail Jul. 4th, 2005 @ 01:55 pm
denimpetal
I am DAMN proud of myself. I am OFFICIALLY the first person to tell that 6'5 "italian stallion" prick just where to get off.
I logged onto msn with my current s/n (www.makepovertyhistory.org WHAT are you waiting for?) and he was there ready to impose himself on my "silly ideas" so i snapped and told him what nobody else will... the truth.
I told him he was boring self-centred and ignorant, i ranted about how angry i was that i had to hear all his and lou's bitching about me through the grapevine, before telling him to fuck off because "I don't need ppl like you to like me"
now he's sent me an e-mail. my friend has read half of it and told me NOT TO READ IT it'll upset me. apparently it's totally viscious and relentless. I wanna read it. As if i need an excuse to cut. My mum's telling me not to.
Half of me wants to, cos it's about me, i want to know what he's got to say. The other half thinks that if i DO read this and then self-harm afterwards he will of got the better of me. My stubborness will not let that happen, but my addiction might.
Current Mood: anxiousanxious
Current Music: Sugababes- Situation's Heavy
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Join fixmymirror now! We are a new community for any eating disorder, and are in need of new members!
» HEY EVERYONE
My name is Yema. I am from New York and I have been dealing with anumver of problems for quite some time now. I am black I am a woman I am gay I am bulc I might have Multiple Sclerosis. I was kicked out at the age of 14. Yeah and alll I am still standing. Love has no meanig to mean. The word it self is a fanasy that might never come true for. me. Oh yeah I'm 16. I fear life but I know that if it wasn't mesant for me I wouldn';t still be standing and I refuse to fall crawl or be rendered useles by my trials and tribulation. After all they say it doesn't kill you it'll make you stronger.

Don't get me wrong i AM STILL HURTING. i HURT EVERYDAY. bE IT EMOTIONALLY OR PHYSICALLY. i AM ALWAYS IN PAIN. i WOULD LOVE IF SOME ONE CAN HOW SOME CONCERN AND LEAVE A COMMENT OR text me at 7189540618 or catch me@ ladifighter4lyfe @ aim

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