I need direct honest comments on this.. i know i can't get advice, cos love is something nobody can advise on.
I have an internet pen-pal, his name is Will. For my 18th birthday my mum sent me to see him for 2 weeks. He'd been telling me for years that he wanted to grow old with me and he loved me so much. fair enough my two weeks there were heavenly.
The only thing that bugged me is that he introduced me to his fuck buddy. Even after he knew i had a problem with her he continued having long enjoyable conversations with her whilst i was still in the room. I went mad at him. I wish I'd just let him do what he wanted. After all, we did have an agreement.
But after i flipped out, he began taking walks for an hour or so every night, leaving me alone..
It's my fault I know, but now i'm home and I keep waking up at about 2a.m, reaching out for him, hitting air and not being able to fall asleep again.
And I don't know what to do, all i wanna do is free myself of this terrible pain.
Current Music: James Blunt- You're Beautiful
I haven't updated on here for AGES, but i got a lot I need to get out of my head... I wanted to go somwehere I wouldn't b judged.
I don't know where to begin cos this seems like such a petty problem.... o.k, i will take my time... oh god. Where to start??????? I need to go smoke another fag....
I'm here in Lousianna. To, for the first time, meet the love of my life. I know that sounds crazy but the second he picked me up at the airport... I felt it, and he's loved me for a long time.
I think it took guts for me, someone who a week ago had never even been in an airport, to travel across the atlantic on my own just to see him.
for the first few days I was so high, i was having the best time ever. I noticed that she... i can't even begin to type her name, called him incessantly. i didn't know untill 5 minutes before i met her that she was my "stand in" for when I'm not here. He said "when you're here you're all i want" As if I live two hours away, not 16. I put it past me, tried and tried to forget, and genuinely had a happy day today. Then before we settle down for bed HE CALLS HER!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! I'm sorry but, is that acceptable. I am lying on his bed, 100% in love with him and he calls up his fuck buddy and has a good old laugh over the phone to her.
I flipped, took all the sedatives i brought with me so that i wouldn't cut myself to pieces, only because i left my insurance policy at home and can't aford the stiches. it means I'm fucked for the rest of the week for medication... so i don't know what i'm going to do.
she even haas her own ring tone on his phone, he said it's not just her, so i asked who else got that ringtone.. i got a whole list of the girls i kno he's fucked.
Is this why he loves long distance relationships????
Am i wrong to feel this bad/ am i being a hippocrite?
What will i do the next time his phone goes tweet tweet... and the tweet tweet girls call. i don't care about any of the others, but HER, she calls all the fucking time. All the live long day, leaves him messages tos of them.
he doesn't even understand why i'm upset...
I just joined (obviously)...
I am Jeanie...
and I have deep emotions that are due to my past relationship.
I feel the need to talk to somebody about it, but I'm not comfortable letting anyone that deep inside my mind where I keep my thoughts and emotions. (At least, not after being hurt by my ex)...
I really don't know what to write now... I had my post all planned, but as soon as I started thinking about him again, my mind tends to lose all focus and it begins dwelling on things of a not so cheerful nature.
I do have a problem though...
It takes place when I get extremely emotional (depressed, sad, angry)...
I can't speak... I can't express myself at all! I'll be thinking exactly what I want someone to know, and my voice seems to get locked away somewhere... my mouth seals shut.
I thought I had conquered this problem because at the beginning of this past relationship, I could say anything I pleased. Wil (he's my ex) would ask me a serious question and eventually (slowly but surely) the words would find their way out of my head through my mouth.
I would sometimes get depressed and feel worthless, but Wil could manage to get me to speak... I don't know how... But I think it was due to the fact that I loved him so much that I knew I could say whatever I needed to, and he would be there for me.
But things changed, and did they change fast!
Within 2 months, I began questioning my love for Wil. the fact of the matter was that he was always SO busy...
Busy with school, busy with work, busy tutoring, busy watching TV to relax (I never understood this one as the Television always tends to make me more tense than I already am)... I mean... He used to devote the evenings to me... it was the free time we got to spend together... then he started watching TV instead of talking with me... I'd be lying in the bed next to him and some nights I would just be dying inside wishing I could kill that cursed television... He'd be watching it... and I hated it.. this was MY time. But I couldn't tell him that...
Our sex life began to suffer about the same time. He was on medication that made it tough for him to be in the "mood" very often, but at one point he seemed to become completely asexual... and I didn't know what to do... I need that part of a relationship. My sex-drive is insanely high, and I need sexual attention to make me feel desired and loved (at least a little sexual attention)...
He no longer got excited when I'd light candles and do something truly seductive... or even when I'd hop into the shower with him unexpectedly...
He said he still loved me, but he didn't show it and I sure as hell didn't feel his love anymore...
I'm sorry for ranting, but I don't know what else I can do... I'm not done with my post... but i'll have to end it now for the night because the sun us rising and I need at least some sleep before my day begins...
Thanks for listening...
I am DAMN proud of myself. I am OFFICIALLY the first person to tell that 6'5 "italian stallion" prick just where to get off.
I logged onto msn with my current s/n (www.makepovertyhistory.org WHAT are you waiting for?) and he was there ready to impose himself on my "silly ideas" so i snapped and told him what nobody else will... the truth.
I told him he was boring self-centred and ignorant, i ranted about how angry i was that i had to hear all his and lou's bitching about me through the grapevine, before telling him to fuck off because "I don't need ppl like you to like me"
now he's sent me an e-mail. my friend has read half of it and told me NOT TO READ IT it'll upset me. apparently it's totally viscious and relentless. I wanna read it. As if i need an excuse to cut. My mum's telling me not to.
Half of me wants to, cos it's about me, i want to know what he's got to say. The other half thinks that if i DO read this and then self-harm afterwards he will of got the better of me. My stubborness will not let that happen, but my addiction might.
Current Music: Sugababes- Situation's Heavy
ok so i cant belive it i made it through my frist term in college and pasted all my classes.now i am going this summer too.I finaly made up my mind what i want to be when i grow up!!! I'm going to be a elementry school teacher.I have to go to the community colledge that i'm going too for 2yrs then transfer to the UofO and go 3 yrs there. this is a very big step for as i only have an 8th grade education.I am also working on my ged.
This has all happend so fast a little to fast almost but i just have to keep telling myself that i can do it .Last term i took a womans weight lifting class and loved it i have gained to mush musle already and this term i am taking yoga and a strength training class that helps build muscle a woman i the class use to be a trainer and is helping me out todaty she told me that she was going to have me toned and lean looking i have lost 25lbs scence i started school sill have a long way to go as i am 5'3 vand 240 lbs but a lot of it is my chest and leg mucles i can leg press 500 lbs ok well not sure what else to write
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Join fixmymirror now! We are a new community for any eating disorder, and are in need of new members!
|» HEY EVERYONE|
My name is Yema. I am from New York and I have been dealing with anumver of problems for quite some time now. I am black I am a woman I am gay I am bulc I might have Multiple Sclerosis. I was kicked out at the age of 14. Yeah and alll I am still standing. Love has no meanig to mean. The word it self is a fanasy that might never come true for. me. Oh yeah I'm 16. I fear life but I know that if it wasn't mesant for me I wouldn';t still be standing and I refuse to fall crawl or be rendered useles by my trials and tribulation. After all they say it doesn't kill you it'll make you stronger.|
Don't get me wrong i AM STILL HURTING. i HURT EVERYDAY. bE IT EMOTIONALLY OR PHYSICALLY. i AM ALWAYS IN PAIN. i WOULD LOVE IF SOME ONE CAN HOW SOME CONCERN AND LEAVE A COMMENT OR text me at 7189540618 or catch me@ ladifighter4lyfe @ aim
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hi my name is jenny i'm about to be a college student out at lcc this is some thing i never thought i would be doing.You see i only have a 8th grade education and i droped out of hight school my freshman year.I was lucky to even finish the8th grade you see i started to skipping class and was doing drugs pot at first then i was doing crosstops.I was 14 when i first smoked pot .I kinda lost it after my adopted grampa died and then i was raped by a teacher in the 7th grade.so i went from a good little church girl to reble child in a few months.i would leave school and go downtown on the mall to hang out with my friends .The kids i hung out with down there were called the mall rats and no we wernt a gang we were a family of kids the rangeg from 11-18 most of us were runaways from abusive homes or werejust runaways but some like me just hung out.Allthough there were times i ran away once when i was 14 i took off with my best friend and we went up to cougar hot springs and from there we left and went to shasta cail. to a rainbow gathering it was so much fun we were gone for over a month and our parent hiered a PI to find us if i hadnt of came back i dont think they would have found us.Wow i could go on and on about the stuff i did when i was a kid i can honestly say that i'm lucky to even be alive today.got to go for now i will writ more later peace out|
HELLO EVERYONE I'M NEW TO THIS MY MOM GOT ME ON THISD LIVE JOURNAL STUFF TO SEE IF IT HELP ME AT ALL.SO ABOUT MY SELF I'M 26 CURENTLY LIVING AT HOME GETTING READY TO GO TO COLLAGE AND I'M FINISHING UP MY GED.I'M NOT SURE WHAT TO WRITE IN HERE AND AM A LITTLE NERVOUS I WOULD LIKE TO TALK ABOUT MY PAST AS IT WAS A VERY DARK ONE AT TIMES AND HAVE HAD MANNY TRAGIC THINGS HAPPEN TO ME BUT....SOME OF THESE THINGS I HAVE NEVER TOLD ANYONE OR IF I HAVE I DONT REAMBER AND I'M AFRAID TO OPEN THE DOORS OF MY PAST AND OF THE GHOAST THAT LIVE BEHINDE THESE CLOSED DOORS|
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I feel so lost amongst this sea of transcendent faces.|
I feel my life is diminishing into nothing. Nothing bar a packet of cigarettes and a lonely razor blade.
The one love of my life fell in love after she left me. I feel as if everything she ever said to me was nothing but a way to feel safe and secure. To not be alone. She told me she had never loved a person more than she had loved me. After writing an entry in livejournal, she wrote *i know i love someone when i run away*. She ran away from me, leaving me pick up the pieces alone.alone.alone.alone.
It has been four months since we broke up, and I thought I was over her for good. Able to be a friend to her. But then she returned to our circle of friends. Two weeks or so ago, she kissed me, and it was *us* all over again. I have never felt this feeling towards any man. I know I am a lesbian, but I feel as though I could never find someone like her again.
I see her face, her her voice or read her words on livejournal and it hurts all over again.
I tried to commit suicide over her. I over-dosed and found myself in an emergency room for 24hours straight. I have cut and cut and cut, and burnt and bashed myself to try and find something that will hurt more than the pain in my heart and soul.
I don't know how to deal with this anymore.