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From:denimpetal
Date:January 10th, 2006 02:49 pm (UTC)

Re: back home & back to the memories

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you do not scare me, you intruige me, and you make me feel less alone.
Since this I have done a video statement, which I thought was mad, I was making a statement about an event I didn't remember happining, but somehow the whole thing took nearly three hours to finish.
I was pregnant. That's what I haven't told them. He must of raped me, because I was pregnant. I knew it as soon as a few weeks after, but i didn't prove it to my mum untill just before christmas. My "best friend" found out i was pregnant when i ran to the bathroom in the middle of her birthday meal to throw up. When I came out, she had gone, ditched me. I haven't seen her since and three days later I miscarried and it broke my heart.
That was only 8 days ago and I haven't really been myself since. I have gone back to what I did when I was a child, before my father killed himself, while he was still beating me and my mother. I read. I lie there all day and read at least one book a day. I find myself bursting into tears when the mood around me is high. I haven't gone back to college since the miscarriage. I feel like I don't belong there. Or here.
Sometimes my mum sits me at the table and plonks a meal in front of me, and chats to me. I nod and smile and pick at my food. She is worried that I am going back to my eating disordered behaviour. Maybe I am, I don't know, I don't really seem aware of what I'm doing lately.
Oh none of this makes sense does it?
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From:sirah_fires
Date:January 11th, 2006 07:03 am (UTC)

make sense later- now is hard enough

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Actually, it makes perfect sense & I followed it quite well...
I spent a year where all I did was bring a book to school and walk the back wall, away from everyone and anything that made me think. I did homework and I read... that was all.. But then that was 6th grade in a catholic school with a teacher who had no problem yelling at us. I would do my homework in my room crying all the time.. I would clean the bathrooms crying... I did everything I was alone during crying...
It sounds as if you aren't even up to the crying point. In the worst way possible you need to have a doctor or therapist check you out, hon... I KNOW you don't want something that intensive right now but you need to let the cops know (about the miscarriage) and you need to make sure that you get the motivational push FROM OUTSIDE yourself because at this time your internal motivations have been squashed.
I miscarried at 18 and while school did not suffer- I made sure I did. It says something that 'the father' is a person I still consider a good friend. (We broke up a few days before I managed to block out the act of miscarrying. It was only seeing the birth stages book and realising I had actually -seen- a fetus... not only a strange clot was when I realized I had done so.) The person I let woo me the week my ex was recovering from our break up is still at the highest level of my shit list it is possible to get at.
As far as your friend goes.. understand at your age friends are liable to be real idiots... it's just the age.. do not take her personally... usually it's all about not thinking real hard about how actions cause emotional reactions. This is a common problem for lots of people who have never seen the void in their own soul or the horror in daily life. And 18 is not the age for such things.. unless something like what you went through happens. (Heck, that was the year one of my exfriends got pregnant by a recently discovered half-brother. He stayed right at the top of my shit list after I counted back the months from her labor.)
Your mom... have her get you Flintstones Complete and feed you 2 a day. Really, it will do more for you than being bullied through 5 meals a day, 2 including just salad and fruit. You aren't getting odd eating habits, you are still in a state of shock between fight and flight. Until you roll into one or the other your stomach can't decide what, if any, food may help prepare it for the next thing you need to do. It's expectable and she needs someone she can talk to- to figure out how to help you- to figure out how to leave you alone to heal. Also, funny thing is many times deficiencies cause disordered eating behaviour. Let her mother you... she may not know what to say or do... but she wants you healing.
Right now, awareness is not gonna be at the high end of the scale. Go easy on yourself and drop your classes.. you have massive reason that should let you drop without penalty. Let your school know you will be back when you feel more stable. Stability will not happen right away but will come at some point.
Hun, no one feels as if they belong... in so many ways this world makes us realise that we have to fight for our place and that we don't ever really earn it. It's cruel, it's cold and it is the only way you can ever hold the hand of someone you care for. What you have seen of life is very little and only a fraction of what is out there and in so many ways it is worth getting there. okay, cliche... but somehow it's what my heart wanted to hear years ago and only now telling you this filled in a spot that had been bare for a number of years. Reminded me of how hard it was in the short term but in the long-term... what joys... what good.
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From:denimpetal
Date:January 11th, 2006 05:22 pm (UTC)

Re: make sense later- now is hard enough

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Thankyou, amazing how words from a stranger can ring so true, make so much sense, and comfort me.
I really apreciate you taking the time to write to me. You've truely helped. Thankyou doesn't seem the right word somehow.
Love And Peace *abi*
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