Nov. 16th, 2008 @ 06:03 am
I had a livejournal years ago but am happy to be back, determined to find support on my path to recovery, and help others struggling with the same diseases/addictions/traumas. I will post tonight on my page a summary of my first step so those of you who want to can get to know me a little better. Thank you all for being here and looking forward to sharing my experiences, struggles, strengths, and hopes.
|While reading this community, I noticed that there are many loving and caring people who have been hurt badly in so many different ways. There are many ways that help is available, and I'm hoping that my community can ease some of your demons.
It doesn't say in the userinfo page that I cannot do this, so here I go and I am terribly sorry if this offends anyone. And if it does, the mod can delete this entry immediately. I created a community a while ago called attemptfailed: for people who have attempted suicide. It is not a pro- suicide community, but it is one for people to tell their stories, get advice, find people to relate to, etc.
There is much more about it in the userinfo page, but I thought I'd give a little introduction to the community in case anyone out there is interested. Take care everyone.
It's been so long since I posted here......
I shut up for a long time that my rapist was now stalking me. There's fuck all I can do. He's a psychopath, very clever, 5 days before the trial he found that tiny crack in the law that after 8 months of constant preperation for a trial was a waste. I don't think he found this out months ago though. Cos I was having to be informed about this ON MY BIRTHDAY
Nice timing huh?
So his restraining order lapsed and here he is again, sitting two tables away from me where ever the fuck I go. Even more clever.. I can't even prove it. He only lets me know here's there when I am alone. When I tell someone, they don't believe me. So many people said i was making it up, but it's not my fault you're paranoid all the time.
Yesterday he sat next to my boyfriend, who didn't know who he was untill the middle of the conversation.
How the hell he found out my boyfriend's name and haunts I don't know. But he did. Colin has cerabal palsy...
this is between me and that bastard and how dare he drag my loved ones into this. The police will do nothing, they even called me an alcoholic (I dared them to take my blood and prove them wrong but they didn't). So I need a plan. If he has to be 5 steps ahead of me the whole time, I need to be 6 in front of him.
Last week in college my tutor grabbed me and drove me home. He's lovely but I didn't want to go home I wanted to keep working. But I was medically "exhausted" and had to beg my way out of not going to hospital.
I'm gonna end this, even if it takes me years.
I haven't self-harmed in so long. I can't even give a date, somehow it just... stopped. This makes me angry as it makes me proud. For four years I burnt, bruised and tore my body to shreds, and then suddenly it stops? No reason? Not even a thought just... vanishes? It doesn't seem right to me but I am glad of it, don't mis-understand me. Why now though? Why not when i was crying in the dark praying for it to stop? It confuses me, but never mind.
I've completely relapsed back into Bulimia. I've lost a lot of weight over the past few weeks but that could be because I've been getting help for my drinking, so I've not been consuming the daily calories that gave me.
I hope you are all ok, I'm off to scan my friends page now, to make sure you are.
peace and love *abi* xxx
Current Music: Natasha Bedingfield- Frogs And Princes
Joe's wasted again, let me remind you he's 15. He took a bottle of vodka and refused to tell us where he hid it. I actually had to convince my mum that this isn't normal. Once he brought down the bottle, half empty, he decided it would be fun to hide my ciggerates.
Right now their both tucking into my homemade spaggheti bolognase (i can't spell it), that I refused to eat once i'd cooked. Mum thanks me and says it's lovely. Joe keeps insulting me.
I can't fucking take it anymore.
I went upstairs to my wooden heart box that i keep my emergency shard of glass in. I put it to my wrist, pressed hard, closed my eyes and ripped it across my skin. Not as much blood as I wanted, but enough. Enough to drench my sleeve in blood which nobody has noticed yet.
I can't take it, I can't take it, I can't take it.
I woke up this morning thinking "right lets go into college and get on with it" and i did, but that was cut short by mum. I come home with her and joe's getting pissed, being mean to me.
Now I have to type out thousands and thousands of words by tomorrow, and I just can't do it.
My head is spinning, and I am sober. Images that make no sense are flashing in my head. I can barely write this, it's hurting my wrist.
Can't take it, can't take it, can't take it.
Current Music: Sugababes- Red Dress
|» X posted wherever I think People Will Care|
So here's the deal, I was pregnant. That meant I was raped. I didn't tell anyone except my mum because I wanted to keep it, we were planning what was gonna happen when it was born.I didn't want to tempt fate by telling anyone before the third month.|
Then Naomi's birthday came. The one I ran myself ragged trying to orginise. It was a meal first then out clubbing. I was having a good time, Nomi was leaving me out but i shrugged it off and sat next to kyle and amy, who recently got engaged(!!!!). I even made up with Carl and Louise in the spirit of it being Naomi's birthday.Then half way through my meal i felt sick, so i ran to the bathroom. Amy followed me and held my hair back. I didn't have to tell her what was wrong with me, she guessed.
Kyle stayed outside and went to the other table to tell Nomi my "best friend" that i was "ill". She made a load of jokes with her new friends from work about how drunk i must be. I tell you i could of shot my brains out in that toilet and she wouldn't of heard, or cared.
When I finally finished throwing up, kyle and amy took me outside, they had all my stuff and i was confused. Kyle told me Naomi had taken her friends and left. After i had paid for everything, spent two hours finding a outfit that didn't make me look pregnant.
I became hysterical. If it was for Kyle and Amy lord knows what i would of done. I didn't even know where I was. The took me home and made sure i was calm before they left. Then I abondoned all my dignity and sent her frantic texts telling her i wasn't drunk I was pregnant!
Her response "I can't support you when I have my own problems. maybe when mine are sorted yeah but I don't have time for your problems. Sorry Hun!!!!" WHAT FUCKING PROBLEMS?????????
Yesterday I got bad stomache pains and put it down to more withdrawl symptoms of coming off everything. Then there was all this blood...
I am sinking, and both my best friends are gone now. Will and Naomi. I miss him. He'd always manage to make me laugh when I was like this. I am empty.
So here's to 2006, without Will, without Nomi, without the baby... it would of been due in July.
I hope you lot are all doing a hell of a lot better than me. You'll b happy to know I haven't self-harmed at all. I am serious about giving that up. I haven't even got drunk.
So nobody begrudge me my ciggerate.
|» no self respect|
I have now realized that I hold absolutly no self-respect. I let him walk all over me and he just continues on and drinks again. He doesnt have any respect for me or else he would change, or get help. But no. He's drunk again for the third time this month,.. right in a row. I dont know what to think. Hej ust hurts me. and I have absolutly no trust anymore. Nothing.|
help me god. please help me. Help him god. That would be 100 times better. Or if I am supposed to be learning from this, what is going on? Whhhhhyyy do I hurt so bad everytime he drinks? I think it might be because he lies. He's lying to me and I know he's been drinking.
Then after he wakes up the next morning... he apologizes and I cant stay mad at him. I can't hold the whole "I DONT WANT TO BE WITH YOU ANYMORE" thing because I love him. I know I do. and I am scared that I would miss him. :(
But I hurt all the time. Its very rare that I don't and I doubt my feelings all the time. I dont feel happy. I feel very depressed and I am just so tired.
:( And i am sad. I dont like being sad.
|» I haven't posted here in ages but....|
This is my latest l.j entry, I'm not trying to say i was raped again, I am giving all the info I know.|
oh god where to start... this has deffinately been the wierdest week of my life.
apparently i was raped again, or someone attempted to rape me (get that, twice in two years, i had an half hour arguement with a very patient police officer over the odds of that happning, she insisted it could, I was desperately telling her it could not).
The thing is I don't remember a damn thing. Police found me at 9.15 p.m tuesday night in a "state of undress" on my knees screaming for help, they arrested a male "moving away pulling his trousers up". I was subjected to various intimate medical tests, they cut my hair, scraped under my fingernails, poked about inside me with various cotton buds etc etc, it went on forever. A "crime scene investigator" man came around to photograph my injuries and measure them.
I told them straight up that I thought this was all very fucking ironic. When I was damn sure i had been raped in daylight, stone cold sober they didn't want to know, now i have no idea if anything at all happened to me they wont fuck off.
people keep calling me saying "are you ok?" and creeping about me on eggshells. I know they mean well, but I feel like screaming I'M FUCKING FINE GET IT?????? Although I'm not fine, and I know it. Somewhere locked away in my mind are the events of that night. I am scared, not because it happened, but because one day I might remember what happened.
It's an uneasy feeling that wont go away, I remember how i felt after I was raped, I do not feel that. That is a god send. I feel... like I'm not remembering for a reason, and I'm glad I don't. At the same time, I KNOW that I know, you know? Police call me constantly asking me if I can remember anything yet. "no" i always tell them resolutely. "keep thinking" they tell me. I never keep thinking.
I started pulling my hair out last night in big huge clumps, in front of everyone. I just flipped. I was sat down, my mum popped a ciggerate into my mouth like a thermometer, picked my hair up and looked at it instead of me. I stared at the wall, refusing to keep thinking.
|» (No Subject)|
hi Im new|
Hi my name is Ryn, Im 21 from new york. I ride horses, I love to cook, I hostess at Uno's and Im going to school in the spring for culinary arts.
I dont even know how to begin talking about this. My thoughts are not very organized so please bear with me.
I have been dealing with anorexia and bulimia for about 4 years now. This spring semester I lost so much weight I got very weak and sick and ended up in the hospital. I didnt gain to much weight back because I continued restricting and purging just not as much. Than I became pregnant and i gained at least 10lbs. I lost the baby :'( and I returned to my awful eating habits. Tonight I barely ate but I purged anyway. I havent been able to stop myself it has gotten very bad this week. I laied on my bed tonight and debated in my head whether to do it or not and I did. I want to stop. My life is coming together now in just about every other aspect. I love my 2 jobs, I have a wonderful new boyfriend (been together a little over 2 months)everything is working out. I just cant stop restricting and purging. I fight with myself in my head and end up doing it anyway.
Well tonight I have decided that I have had enough. No more. Im asking for help. Please. It took so much for me to ask.. I even debated that. any advice is wonderful